By Suzy Reading
As we navigate the summer squeeze, Chartered Psychologist and author of Rest to Reset, Suzy Reading, shares a refreshing take on resilience and helps you find a compassionate pace.
Living in a time where we all have such an acute awareness of the struggles of other people in the world around us, have you found yourself thinking… “I should be more resilient”? You’re not alone. This is a common theme in my therapy room right now: so many people feeling that they should be stronger, coping better, when in fact what they’re experiencing is a normal and natural response to modern life. Rather than judgment and pushing harder, we need to rejig our perceptions of resilience itself; we need to give ourselves permission to be human, adjusting our pace and expectations of self accordingly. Easier said than done? Especially during the summer juggle! I hear you, so let’s break it down together.
When you think about the concept of resilience, what does it mean to you? Do any images come to mind? It’s worth checking in because often it’s our conceptualisation of resilience that gets in our way, or worse, adds to our burden. If the word resilience conjures an image of someone in a super hero stance, cape billowing, chest broad and impenetrable, with life’s challenges just pinging from its Teflon surface, I invite you to think again. Resilience does not mean that we’re unaffected by life. It does not make us immune from pain, unpleasant emotions, energetic depletion, or struggle. No one, not even the most resilient human being, is immune from stress, overwhelm, anxiety, depression, or grief. Let’s be crystal clear, and I hope you find this liberating, the normal response to tough times is to struggle. We don’t always have to “hold it together”, in fact, for us to process and move through our experiences, we need to express our emotions and that can look very messy, but it’s essential for our mental and emotional health.
So then, what is resilience? Resilience is our ability to bounce back. It doesn’t mean we don’t get knocked for six, it just means we get back up sooner. Let’s revisit that image of resilience, rather than someone impervious to challenges, perhaps it might be someone curled up in a little ball, allowing the tears to fall, because it takes great courage to bear witness to our emotions, to acknowledge our losses and to carve the time and space to heal – and this is precisely what lies at the heart of resilience, meeting ourselves where we are and the compassion of pacing ourselves accordingly.
Collectively, we are still experiencing the aftershocks of the pandemic, we’re in the midst of global uncertainty, and the very real daily pressures due to the rise in the cost of living is no small thing. Resilience doesn’t mean we plough on regardless; it requires us to check in, allow ourselves to feel as we do, and do what we can to tend to our human needs.
Human needs are an interesting thing. We tend to treat ourselves like machines, expecting that we will function consistently despite the circumstances we find ourselves in, demanding that we pitch up with a constant ability to focus and perform, often denying ourselves the right to rest. No one has infinite capacity; we can’t always just muscle our way through life. But look at the respect we pay to our devices – we diligently recharge our mobile phone battery, and we don’t begrudge our car needing fuel. If only we held our own health in such high regard.
Pacing ourselves is a skill that we can cultivate using these 3 simple steps:
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Reality check – Listen to what you tell yourself about your capacity and keep yourself grounded in compassion. You are human, not a robot, and you are just one human being at that, you don’t have the resources of a dozen people. Try the mantra: “Every day I have a different capacity and that is ok.”
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Know yourself - This is as simple as asking yourself “Where am I at today?” The key is to observe without judgement. Notice your body, breathing, the presence of emotions, your energy levels (how did you sleep last night), the quality of your mind, your mood. To begin, choose a time of day to check in and stick with it. You will soon develop the habit of checking in throughout your day – like muscles, self-awareness and compassion are skills we build with practice. Find it hard to remember? I like to pair this check in activity with drinking water. I place a hand on my heart while taking my sips and it helps me connect with myself with greater compassion.
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Adjust your pace and meet your needs – there is nothing luxurious or indulgent about this, it is basic self-respect, treating yourself with the same care you give your devices. Remember that it’s ok to take time out to restore. On a practical level, do you need to tweak your to do list? Please do not equate your capability with your capacity. Just because it is humanly possible doesn’t mean you have to say yes. It is ok to delegate, or dump things. You can also “car park” items for another day when your reserves are greater. We feel more relaxed about this when we diarise a time to address them and can then remind ourselves that “it’s not time for that now”.
Above all else, give yourself grace. This pacing yourself business is an art form. We won’t get it right every time. Keep your mind focused on what you’re learning about yourself and what you might do differently next time. Beautiful things come from gentle, coaxing self-talk.
Resources:
IGTV on how to make rest accessible
https://www.instagram.com/tv/CPP7LNnF3LS/?hl=en
Suzy is a mother of two, an author, Chartered Psychologist and Coach. She specialises in self-care, supporting people during stress, loss and change, helping them find clarity, peace and a path of purposeful action.
www.instagram.com/suzyreading/
