With the festive season around the corner and plans gaining pace, I have an unconventional invitation for you... I think it is time for you to be a bit selfish.
Selfish.
Repeat the word a few times, roll it around in your mouth, and you can hear the venom with which this word is usually spoken. Selfish. Is there a harsher criticism? A less desirable trait?
Can you feel yourself recoil? We all know someone miserly, greedy, uncaring, self-centred… Who in their right mind would want to be like them?
So let me stop you right there. That’s not what this invitation is about. We need to dispel the widely accepted myths about 'selfishness'. It is time we challenge everything we’ve learnt about selflessness.
Time and time again, when I hear people talk about feeling selfish, it is when they are resting, relaxing or prioritising an early night, when they say no to requests, decline invitations or change plans or simply voice an opinion or preference. Who else apologises for taking up space on the pavement or grocery aisle? What about protecting your peace over keeping “the peace” – we know how challenging that is at this time of the year. So many people feel guilty for giving necessary negative feedback or failing to respond to communication with immediacy. How comfortable to do you feel asking for support; do you even allow yourself to take people up on their offers of help? Does it feel selfish to do something of your choosing or experience pleasure or joy? I know parents that feel bad about taking time away from their children, even when they leave their kids with their other parent!
Can you see how our ideas about selfishness are skewed? None of these things are necessarily selfish! What is selfishness? It is focusing only on yourself, without considering the needs of others. Make a list of moments when you feel selfish. As you read through your list, consider whether you would label someone else selfish for engaging in these same behaviours or whether you hold yourself to different standards? We might interpret other people’s behaviour as forthright, direct, honest, even courageous, but feel bad when we engage in those same actions. Is it fair that you call yourself selfish in this moment?
This is why I want to invite you to be a bit SELF-ish, because I believe we have become phobic of being seen as selfish, we hold onto selflessness with white knuckles, and it is doing us and our relationships real harm. Silencing ourselves, hiding our feelings, and not being transparent about our needs is creating a pandemic of ‘not enoughness’ and it is making it hard to understand and relate to each other. If we deny ourselves long enough, it results in relationship rupture, shame, burnout, anxiety, and depression. It is time to start living like you matter too.
In response to the vast number of people I see presenting with this nagging feeling of being unworthy, I have written a book called ‘How to Be Selfish’. Move over self-care, it is time for self-advocacy. At the heart of this book is healing our relationship with self, helping you know yourself, accept yourself, trust yourself and advocate for yourself. This book will help you feel safe and confident to represent yourself so that you can not only tend to yourself, but have your needs met by others. Because people need people, and everyone needs the love and support of people around them. This book will help you to blow away the barriers to speaking up about your needs and feelings (people really aren’t good mind readers), so you can finally RECEIVE too.
I hope this invitation to be more SELFish piques your curiosity and that even these top line observations about selfishness allow you to think, feel and choose differently. If barriers remain, please pick up a copy of my book and let me guide you with the ‘7 steps to taking back your power’.
In closing, if it resonates, have a little play with these two prompts:
- If I were selfish, I would…
- I give myself permission to…
Happy choosing and please know that it is ok to choose you!
Suzy Reading is a Chartered Psychologist and one of the UK’s leading self-care and self-advocacy experts. She has three decades of experience in the health and wellbeing industry, drawing on her qualifications in yoga and personal training, together with psychology, to empower people with sustainable, healthy lifestyle habits. Suzy has a special interest in helping people heal their relationship with ‘self’. She is a monthly columnist for Top Sante Magazine; the Psychology Expert for Neom Organics; the Wellbeing Ambassador for BABTAC and is a founding member of the ‘Nourish’ app. She is the author of The Little Book of Self-Care, The Self-Care Revolution, Stand Tall Like a Mountain, Self-care for Tough Times, This Book Will (Help) Make You Happy, And Breathe, Sit to Get Fit, Rest to Reset and Self-care for Winter. How to Be Selfish is hot off the press
HOW TO BE SELFISH is available here: https://smarturl.it/howtobeselfish
Further listening: Why you need to be more selfish, Suzy Reading and Dr Alex George on Stompcast Podcast
https://open.spotify.com/episode/6dEMH21gWzgHjZ6pqFw1Il?si=LtSJd2uJTHemUdTZ8JSXCQ
