Why it’s time to live like you matter too - By Suzy Reading
How to Be Selfish: why it’s time to live like you matter too.
By Suzy Reading
Welcome to a brand new year – may this one be full of your choosing. Your choosing? Take a moment to ponder those words. ‘Your choosing’, even ‘choosing you’? I’m curious as to how that invitation sits. I wonder if it feels welcome, someone finally asking you what matters to you. Perhaps it rankles – ‘yeah, sure, I would love for it to be self-directed, but who’s going to do all the other things required of me?’ Maybe there is a touch of fear or anxiety? What would people think if you just started prioritising yourself? What kind of disapproval or disappointment might that make you vulnerable to? There are so many ways that we have been reared to be phobic of being seen as selfish, and a multitude of ways that we’ve been led to believe that our worth is contingent on how selfless we are. It is time to question these beliefs.
I would love for you to embark on this new year with a fresh understanding of selfishness, and now is the perfect time of year to sink your teeth into it. We’ve had all the excitement, the magic making, and all the giving of Christmas and you know all too well the reality of what depletion means in your life; you’ve seen in the new year and have begun to pick your way through all the ‘new year, new you’ messaging, and for parents, now that school has gone back, there is potentially space to get YOU back on the radar.
Dial down all the new year noise and come home to yourself. It is time to gently tend and replenish. January is where the real wintering begins, so let yourself cocoon, and your attention turn inwards. Perhaps this immediately brings up feelings of guilt? But is this really selfish? Please reflect on the times when guilt looms large for you – what are you doing, or not doing at these times? Is it when you pause to rest? Is it when you say no so you can pace yourself, preserve family time, or your sleep needs or manage your workload? Is it when you get brave and share your inner life with someone dear to you, maybe even when you take them up on their offer of help? Would you interpret someone else’s behaviour as selfish if they engaged in these same actions? Why do we treat ourselves differently? On closer examination, none of these things are necessarily selfish – they are choices shaped by trying to be a good parent, partner, daughter or employee - attempting to safeguard ourselves to we can keep giving and keep going, and far from being selfish, is in everyone’s best interests. And the real question is, can we afford to keep holding ourselves accountable to these impossible standards?
What does it mean to be a good human? These are some themes I hear often in my consulting room: to be good humans, we must be productive, we must keep all the people happy all the time, we must be self-reliant and resilient, but here is the sucker punch – we must not be selfish. How can we be these things without tending to self? We have human NEEDS, not nice-to-haves. Please, can we allow ourselves to fail at what’s humanly impossible? Can we let our grip loosen on this huge push to be a good human and just let ourselves be human, with all our messy needs and feelings.
Here is a practice to help you change your relationship with selfishness. What are the qualities that you are trying to model when you set out to be selfless – get granular here. For me, it is present, patient, loving, calm, understanding, forgiving, helpful, uplifting, soothing, and available…. Now the question is, what do I need to be this version of me? I need to be resourced with decent food, hydration, sleep, rest, movement, time in Nature, pleasure, and I also need the love and support of other people. We need to be cared for! And we not only need this for our well-being, we need it for the health of our relationships. People want to feel trusted and needed, and in being honest with each other about our needs, we deepen our bonds and the opportunity for authentic connection.
So, my darling, let both the self-honouring and the self-advocacy begin, so that you can not only receive your own love and care, but the support of other people. It truly is time for you to live like you matter too, and you can relax deeply into the knowing that this isn’t selfish, it is the gift that keeps on giving. The world needs resourced human beings. Mantra: my depletion serves no one and my replenishment serves everyone. Play with this, ‘If I were selfish I would….’ Permission to go do it right now, and see the beautiful benefits ripple out beyond you.
Suzy Reading is a Chartered Psychologist and one of the UK’s leading self-care and self-advocacy experts. She has three decades of experience in the health and wellbeing industry, drawing on her qualifications in yoga and personal training, together with psychology, to empower people with sustainable, healthy lifestyle habits. Suzy has a special interest in helping people heal their relationship with ‘self’. She is a monthly columnist for Top Sante Magazine; the Psychology Expert for Neom Organics; the Wellbeing Ambassador for BABTAC and is a founding member of the ‘Nourish’ app. She is the author of The Little Book of Self-Care, The Self-Care Revolution, Stand Tall Like a Mountain, Self-care for Tough Times, This Book Will (Help) Make You Happy, And Breathe, Sit to Get Fit, Rest to Reset and Self-care for Winter. How to Be Selfish is hot of the press
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